How to Talk to Your Aging Parents About Their End-of-Life Wishes

A young man reached out to me after an end-of-life planning talk I gave recently. He told me that, as he listened to me speak, it occurred to him that he had no idea what his parents wanted when their time came. He booked a 90-minute session for me to facilitate a discussion between him and his parents, and it was wonderful. After an initial “Who are you and what has our son gotten us into?”, they warmed to the idea and talked through every aspect of their wishes, from the kind and amount of medical intervention they wanted at the end, what they wanted their deathbed to be like, all the way through body care and disposition. It was a beautiful and illuminating discussion, lots of giggles and I Didn’t Know Thats. They were a lovely and loving family, and I hope the conversation has continued.

This incident reminded me yet again just how difficult it can be for people to start a conversation about death, especially with parents. Yet it was also a reminder that talking with parents about their end-of-life wishes is a wonderful gift. It ensures that choices are respected and prevents having to make painful decisions later without knowing what they would have wanted. It can also strengthen bonds and bring families closer.

I’ve put together just a few ideas on how to get the conversation started. This is by no means a comprehensive list or the definitive word. I invite you to join the conversation and add in the comments anything that has worked for you.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

End-of-life conversations are best held early, when everyone is calm and thinking clearly, rather than in a hospital or during a crisis when emotions are high and decision-making is difficult.

It can help to choose a quiet, private setting, maybe over a cup of tea or during a walk. You might open the topic gently by saying something like, “Mary’s funeral was really beautiful. It got me thinking that I don’t know what you want for yours. Can we talk about it?” Or, “I’ve recently done my Advance Care Directive, and in thinking about my own wishes, I realised that I don’t know yours. Are you okay to share your preferences with me?”

Framing it as a normal discussion can reduce fear and defensiveness. Treating death as a natural part of life helps remove its stigma.

2. Lead with Curiosity, Not Assumptions

Once you have permission to talk, it can help to start by exploring what “a good end” means to them rather than jumping straight into medical or funeral decisions. Ask open-ended questions such as:

• What would make you feel most comfortable or at peace at the end of your life?
• How do you picture your deathbed?
• Are there things you want or want to avoid?

Your goal is to understand their values, not to impose your own.

3. Listen More Than Talking

It can be tempting to steer the discussion or correct your parents’ views if they differ from yours, but listening deeply is the most important thing you can do. Sit with their answers, even if they surprise or unsettle you. For example, I knew a devout Christian who was deeply troubled by his mother’s wish to have Buddhist prayers recited at her deathbed. He felt a great personal failing that he was unable to convert her to his faith, and had to work hard to ensure it was her wishes that were honoured, not what he wanted her wishes to be.

If the conversation lags, don’t rush to fill the silence. This can be the hardest part of these conversations, but gentle pauses allow thoughts to crystallise and emotions to surface. Remember, this is not a single conversation, but the start of an ongoing dialogue.

4. Discussing Practicalities Gently

Once values and wishes are clear, you can move toward practical matters such as:

• Advance care plans and medical treatment decision makers
• Preferred place of care (home, hospice, hospital)
• Body care and disposition
• Funeral or memorial preferences
• Financial or legal arrangements (e.g. executorship and powers of attorney)

If important paperwork hasn’t been completed, you can offer to help research or fill out forms together. An end-of-life doula can also help guide these conversations and document wishes in a supportive, non-clinical way.

5. Revisiting the Conversation Over Time

People’s feelings and circumstances change. Once you’ve had the initial conversation, check in periodically to make sure your parents’ wishes still feel right to them. This will get easier over time. Keep copies of any important documents and ensure key family members know where to find them.

I feel particularly lucky as my parents are open about their wishes and preferences. They have a file in their office titled, “If Dead”. I’ll occasionally ask them if the If Dead file is still up-to-date, and this question itself has prompted some beautiful and enlightening conversations.

6. What If They Won’t Talk?

Despite best efforts, some parents simply won’t talk about death. For some people and in some cultures, death is macabre, a failure or taboo, and some believe that talking about it will make it happen. If your parents truly do not want to talk about it, you may have to make plans on your own. It may help to engage a doula to help you think through all the practical and emotional considerations for the death of someone you love.

Final Thoughts

Talking about death is, at its heart, a conversation about life. It is about values, love, and legacy. When you approach it with gentleness and respect, you not only honour your parents’ choices but also strengthen your connection with them in a deeply meaningful way.